Wednesday 4 March 2015

Letting go to move forward

Shauna, staff member

My story with depression started when my 1st child was born but if I were honest it started further back than that. If anybody told me that I would feel indifferent or distant from my beautiful and vulnerable little baby I would have told them they were crazy to say such a thing, but unfortunately that is exactly what happened, I could feel nothing but absolute sadness and helplessness and resentment as to why I had to take care of my baby. I didn’t dare tell anyone how I felt as I thought that I would lose my husband and lose my baby. I knew about post natal depression but I didn’t think for once that I was suffering with it. I thought that I was a horrible person for thinking such selfish thoughts never thinking for once that there could be something wrong with my mental state.

I lost my 2nd baby, a little boy through miscarriage which was a very sad time for me and my 1st son was just a year old. It was through the loss of one baby that my emotions came through for my little boy and I felt so guilty for every feeling of resentment and negativity I had towards my little boy, again never realising that there was something happening with my mind. I thought that my miscarriage was my punishment for not feeling love for my 1st child and this guilt carried with me.

I got pregnant with my 2nd baby and I was full of fear carrying the baby as I thought am I going to feel this coldness and sadness again towards this 2nd child? Was I going to lose this baby too as punishment? Fortunately I was blessed with my beautiful healthy little girl . I told the Public Health Nurse and my GP about how I felt with my 1st child and they told me that I had suffered with PND and they were very kind to me and advised me to go and see a professional to assist me but I rejected the offer because I thought this time round I was better because I was besotted with my little girl but at the same time felt guilty for not feeling this automatic love for my son when he was born.

The real problems started when I went back to work after maternity leave. Whenever I would have the children with me in the car, at a shopping centre or just out with the kids I would break down crying and pleading with my husband to take the children from me and to find another woman who would be a better Mother to them. I loved them too much but I didn’t think I was good enough as a Mother or as a woman to take care of them. I felt my children would be better off without me and I thought my whole family would be better off if I never existed.

Then one day I got a telephone call from my GP who insisted that I come to her office and I explained to her that I was at work and I couldn’t come over and she said “Do you not remember the letter you sent me? “ I said no and she said “Shauna you wrote me a letter telling me how you feel everyone in your life would be better off without you. I want you to come and meet me as I want to help you” That was the 1st step and from that day I didn’t look back. The GP referred me to a great psychologist and I went for several sessions and in those sessions I discovered pain that I had suppressed for a very long time and tried not to think about. In a previous relationship I had been physically and psychologically abused by a man who claimed he loved me. Every day I was with him he put me down about my looks, my body, my personality etc he tore down every bit of my self-esteem and as a result of this abuse I developed bulimia and body dysmorphia. I punished myself for not being good enough in every way and this made me submissive to every person in my life just to get their approval at work, in friendships and relationship.

I was blessed to have met my husband, even though we have gone through our range of problems between business failures and owing money, we got through all of it together.

I am blessed to have had the friends who loved and supported me no matter what and helped me discover strength that I had suppressed under the hopelessness and sense of failure and fear.

I kept up my psychologist sessions and I took up exercise and I have not looked back. I still have body issues. I am not comfortable eating in front of people as I feel they are all condemning me for eating and internally criticising me but I try very hard not to think that way.

These days I am grateful for everything I have in my life, not only do I give positivity to others I recognise positives in myself. There are days that the darkness returns but I battle it with better tools than ever before and the lightness in my life far outweighs the darkness. I recently started training in Taekwondo which I owe a lot of my recent improvement in mental strength as it conditions my body and mind.

This is a motto of mine:

Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” -C.S. Lewis “

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