A gentle push

Fionnuala, staff member

I have been through a crazy time. I have counted at least 20 people at work that I have broken down in front of, without a moment's notice, suddenly and inexplicably crying, not being able to pull myself together, as my whole world disintegrated around me. At least half of these people I hardly knew, except for a brief nod or hello at work. And they had simply asked me how I was. However, they had asked, and they had spoken, out loud. It was the tone of voice that broke through to me, I think, and made me speak, out loud, too. Even if I made no sense to them, or to myself, as I could not explain very well what was happening to me, I did make sounds and let out some emotion. I also admitted that something was wrong.

I wish to thank my colleagues and acquaintances that stopped and spoke to me. For some time, I could feel myself coming to a complete stop, unable to see ahead. But of course pride and responsibilities made me carry on, showing a brave face, as long as I could. Usually, I could last the morning, and manage most tasks through the computer, with limited human workplace interaction. But by 2pm, or often earlier, I could no longer hold it together. I would just rush out of the office, with no destination in mind, in blind panic. I thought that my pain could not be seen, but luckily, for me, sometimes my face gave me away and someone stopped me and asked me how I was or if I was alright. At these times, their kind voices triggered an honest response. 'No, I'm not doing very well', was my reply. Thanks to all these people in my workplace, I spoke out loud and I also listened to advice and to others' experiences. 

For a while I was embarassed by 'falling apart', but now, I smile when I think about it. I am glad of this opportunity to express my feelings. Writing is a great release and helps to shape your thoughts and feelings, so this blog is a wonderful stepping stone but nothing beats talking and listening. 

I still get choked up by emotion and feel like I cannot breathe. I know I need to talk some more and keep on talking. I now see friendly faces in the mix. Sometimes I have received a gentle push to get help or a quiet warning to stop hiding my pain from my colleagues. This has helped me enormously and I can recall the friendly faces in my mind when I need to. We can support each other. Thanks guys, and yes, I will drop by for a coffee and chat. Blog on....